Joke # Ironic answers to health #

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolonglife. Isthis true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everythingwears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits andvegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetableproducts. <Hmm.. I think thats how ZQ got her vege intake>

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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, tequila is made out of cactus, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. <thats lame.....>

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a littlesoft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans--anothervegetable!!! It'sthe best feel-good food around!

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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptionsyou may have had about food and diets!Remember my happy little chums. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skidin sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolatecoated strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming -WOO HOO!What a Ride!